Actually, shall I just count the ways we're not awkward instead? It would be a lot quicker and might come across as more positive? Or am I just being awkward now?
All right then, but this list is not my final decision and I'm sure if you asked a non-aspie, then the awkwardness list would become an epic fantasy novel, with dragons, battle-hardened maidens, songs around camp-fires, sprites in jars, no toilet facilities and too much protein.
The aspie is awkward in their physical attitude: We droop, we mooch, we bump into things, we get in the way, we trip over thin air, we drop stuff, we touch the TV and the house falls into darkness. If there is an awkward way to do something, we don't need to find it, it finds us.
Even aspies who are good with their hands will open the door the wrong way going into the shop, let it fall back accidentally against the little old lady then step on her as they turn back, trying to put things right.
The dog will be let loose as the lead slips through the fingers, the knife will chop the thumb and not the cheese, cleaning the toilet will always end badly, emptying the bin will mean cleaning the floor.
The aspie is awkward on the inside too: I don't understand, I misunderstand, I say whatever comes into my head, I tell you what I really think, I find something funny at the wrong moment, I cry at sad adverts, I don't cry when I'm supposed to, I thought you wanted me to do this?
I feel sad at the precisely wrong moment, I feel happy when you need empathy, I forget something important and remember every detail of last night's Hoarders. I thought you wanted my honest opinion?
Awkward decisions: It seemed like a good idea at the time, it made perfect sense, I didn't think of that, I thought you'd enjoy it, I didn't think you wanted it any more, I forgot it was worth that much money, I gave it to the dog, I cancelled, I paid before checking, I wanted it to be a surprise, I thought you liked cats, I never said I was a hairdresser.
Awkward lifestyle: I don't do crowds, I need my own space, I don't need much money, I've forgotten to pay the bills, I love this job, I've quit, I've become a vegetarian, I have allergies, it's not clean enough, but I can see the germs! I can't leave the house, I'll live in the attic, I can't, I have to go to Comicon, I'm living as a wizard now.
Awkward obsessions: I love this, I'm sharing it with you, I'm sharing it with him too, I'm sharing it with the person next to me on the bus, I'm sharing it online, I'm sharing it with anyone who'll listen...What? That old thing? No, that's history, I love something else now. I'll share it with you!
Awkward finances: I have no money, I'll work it out, I'll be fine, I have enough, I've got a plan, I've managed, I forgot about that, I'll make a budget, I'll pay you back, I have no idea what that is, I have no money.
Awkward romance: I like you, I like like you, I maybe love you, I'll just stand over here, I'm at the door for the breeze, I'll be back in a minute, I'll see you later, I was busy, I ran out of money, I forgot, I misunderstood, I was too sad, I was too busy running, I became a vegetarian, have we met before?
Annoying noises: The mystery noise in the car when we go round a corner, the roof in the rain, my feet in the supermarket, what you do when you chew, that drip no one else can hear, everyone else's voice, ever.
Awkward everything: What? I wasn't listening, did you want something? I don't know, I was thinking about something else. I'll think about it. No, I won't forget, honest.
At this point in the proceedings, I was a very brave aspie and asked IT teen what was the most awkward thing about me. I was completely confident that he would come up with something that was not on the list. Apparently, the most awkward thing about me is: always being ill.
Humph. Okay, there might be a slight touch of the hypochondriac about me but if I'm ill, then I'm ill, right? Except that when I'm really ill, I don't notice so I guess that proves the other times are mainly me being awkward? Oh dear, I'll maybe not ask next time.
So, there we are readers, the very non-definitive but mostly inclusive list of Aspie Awkwardness. Just like IT teen, I'm sure your friends, family and best beloveds could come up with personalised reasons why you are awkward - if you're brave enough to ask.
For me, I think I'm going to walk the dogs and try not to drop the lead, lose the car keys, fall in the hedge, forget the poop bags, ramble about latest obsession....
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