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Showing posts from January, 2014

Communicating under pressure

The frustrating thing about talking to your aspie is that you are part of a much bigger picture, but you can only see part of it. To the non-aspie the conversation is between two people and whatever the difficulties, there is no real, proper reason why the words should not pass and be understood. To the aspie, there is so much more going on.

On a good day, the aspie might be distracted, thinking about other things, nothing important but certainly something more interesting than the non-aspie's obsession with getting out of the house by 10am. There are always lots more important things than leaving by 10am and they all take precedence in the aspie's wonderfully-ordered mind. So it is that the memory of dropping biscuits into the cow field at the age of five easily pushes aside the droning about being late again.

On a middling day, which covers many days, the aspie is not only distracted by the wonderfully-ordered mind, but also by the ticking sound the cooker makes when you fo…

The perils of saying No

I was a bit silly this week. I thought, Why not be more honest this year? Why not just open my mouth and say what I think, and feel, at the time I am actually thinking and feeling it?

I could cut through all the stupid, soulless, mindless, meaningless clap-trap which acts as padding to some relationships and say, 'No, I don't like turnip,' or 'No, I really hate your friends,' or 'No, I have never ever ever enjoyed that.'

It was only once I'd thought about it more closely that I realised I would be saying No an awful lot - that most of my 'dishonest' moments are when I am trying to please or, more accurately, avoid the wrath of people who expect me to behave like they do.

When I'm honest, it's brutal and unflinching and usually accidental. Like when I looked at my mother's new hairstyle and informed her it was better when it was longer, less butch. This one throwaway phrase condemned every other hairstyle she'd had for the last 3…

Walking through self-doubt

Those times when you doubt yourself are the worst. People say you should have inner confidence, the ability to look at a situation and believe in yourself. Is this the same as believing that if you keep cleaning the fire a fairy godmother will come? Or that eating the wrong apple will end badly?

Self-doubt is an onerous and tumbleweed feeling, at once heavy and ponderous as well as being hard to pin down. As the winds blow around you, it is very hard sometimes to keep yourself in place and know you are in the right place, for you.

How easy in difficult times to listen to the loudest voices, the ones which tell you familiar, negative things. How hard to ignore them and trust yourself, when so many other times you feel you have let yourself down.

I've spent many productive years being my own therapist, working things out as I go along. Some nights I would lie there for hours, seeing my past stretching out before me as clear as if I walked it still. Other nights I would dream a mome…

Girl on a Journey

So, we had drama last night. Bearing in mind other people involved have the internet and, I assume, can also read, I'll try to be careful what I say on here (come round for a cuppa and I'll tell you everything though).

IT Teen's girlfriend, IT Girl, decided things were going to badly at home that she wanted to move out this week. As she's only 16 this caused some fireworks, as you can imagine. Especially as she hadn't told her parents.

Plans were made and re-drawn, battle positions dug in, long, intricate conversations carried out under cover of Facebook messaging and Skype. By the time it came to a head yesterday evening, IT Teen and Girl had covered just about every angle. Until she broke and told her parents.

At which point, IT Teen was called in to face the music, no sorry, to have a discussion about it. I ferried him over there, hoping my chicken wouldn't dry out in the oven while the drama unfolded.

Once there, the horror of horrors happened and it tu…

Playing the role of villain

It's been a Bear Goes Over the Mountain kind of week, where I see one obstacle, scale it, only to find another right after. I must be honest, though - the smaller obstacles were made worse by a dramatically bad start to the week where misinterpretation brought everything crashing down.

Somehow I knew it must be me, as it has been so many times before. I must be the one who started that giant boulder rolling down the hill because I could still feel the impression of it on my hand

I have taken the blame. Consciously or unconsciously, I decided that if I had been a better, cleverer, straightforward, open, closed, tactful, altogether more sensible person, then my week might have been smooth and quiet, like the late Spring stream.

I have felt, day after day, as if I struggled to do even the smallest things. My mind was distracted and full of the possibilities of this other week, the one where it didn't all go wrong, leaving me adrift in the centre of what felt like my own debris f…

Knowing your triggers

Traditionally, his is the time of year when I go crazy. While other people are making good on their new year's resolutions, I am so panicked by the idea of another year to keep up with that I decide I will do something successful and transform my whole life.

It isn't a resolution, it's more of a compulsion when I am faced with a whole year of just being me. Again.

It's not even that I dislike being me, but I really do hate the screwy nature of life and how wrong it can go when you're not looking. Or when you just decide that this decision is a really good one, no matter what anyone says or despite it never having worked in the past.

The feelings of new year are terrifying, readers. The pressure begins to build before the old year has gone by and don't really subside until March. It's the sense that I am not good enough, that what I am doing on a daily basis falls short of what I expected of myself.

It reminds me, every year, that I am only slightly differe…